Jokes Corner

On Barbados Underground (BU) we discuss many issues, mostly serious issues, here is your chance to let off some steam by sharing anything you think is funny.

278 responses to “Jokes Corner

  1. Woman’s Perfect Breakfast
    She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
    ——————————————————————
    The Silent Treatment
    A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
    Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
    Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
    “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
    The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
    Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
    The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
    Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

    Keep reading-they get better!!!

    ——————————————————————
    Women’s Revenge
    “Cash, check or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    “So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
    “No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
    ——————————————————————
    Cigarettes and Tampons
    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle.
    A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, seemingly confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
    He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
    and some rolling papers; cause it’s sooo-ooo–oo-ooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own ………. so does she.
    (I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
    ——————————————————————
    Words
    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
    30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
    The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…”
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
    ——————————————————————
    Creation
    A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.”
    The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
    God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
    ——————————————————————
    Who Does What
    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
    The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
    Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
    Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says .. “HEBREWS”
    ——————————————————————
    God may have created man before woman, but there is always a  rough draft before the masterpiece!!

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  2. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.

    How do you know that the cat was dead? she asked him.

    Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move. answered the child innocently.

    You did WHAT?! the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
    You know, explained the boy, I leaned over and went Pssst! And it didn’t move.

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  3. The Old Motor

    The marriage of an 80 year old white man and a 20 year old white woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

    The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?” The old man grinned and said, “You got to keep the old motor running.”

    The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.
    She said, “Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?” The old man grinned and said, “You gotta keep the old motor running”

    A year later, same thing with their third and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, “Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?” The old man replied, “It’s like I’ve told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.”

    The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: “Well, I guess it’s time to change the oil … this one’s black.”

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  4. I remember COMMON SENSE…I’m sorry he’s gone. RIP

    Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:
    – Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
    – Why the early bird gets the worm;
    – Life isn’t always fair;
    – and maybe it was my fault.

    Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don’t spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

    His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

    It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

    Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

    Common Sense took a beating when you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

    Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

    He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;
    I Know My Rights
    I Want It Now
    Someone Else Is To Blame
    I’m A Victim

    Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

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  5. West Indian Beggar

    Every morning John would drive by Wrightson Road and every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $10.00.
    After a while John started to give the beggar $7.00.
    The Beggar was not too pleased, but said nothing.
    John then dropped to $5.00.
    The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

    He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5.00 and said, ‘Wah happening man yuh use to give me $10..00, den yuh cut it down to $7.00, now is $5.00. Whuh goin aan?’
    John replied, ‘Boy, times get hard. Mi eldest boy just start
    university and mi daughter now in high school…so you know how it is.’

    The now irate beggar asked in a tone of disbelief,
    ‘So wait nah…. yuh mean to tell me that is outa MY money yuh sending YOUR chil’ren to school?’

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  6. Bajan Wins Poetry Contest

    The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semi-finalists: A Yale graduate and a Bajan.
    They were given a single word, then allowed two minutes to come up with a poem that contained the word.
    The word they were given was ‘TIMBUKTU’.
    The Yale graduate stepped to the microphone and said:

    ‘SLOWLY ACROSS THE DESERT SAND
    TREKKED A LONELY CARAVAN.
    MEN ON CAMELS, TWO BY TWO
    DESTINATION – TIMBUKTU ‘.

    The crowd went crazy! No way could the Bajan top that, they thought.

    The Bajan calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:

    ‘ME AND TIM A HUNTIN’ WENT,
    MEET TREE GIRLS IN A POP-UP TENT.
    DEM WAS TREE, AND WE WAS TWO,
    SO I BUCKED ONE, AND TIMBUKTU ‘!

    The Bajan won hands down.

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  7. A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly “breaks wind”. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

    He politely greets the lady with, “Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?”

    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, “Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?”

    He answers, “Madam – if you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit yourself when I tell you the price!”

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  8. Richard is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit.

    There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

    So Richard and his friends start snacking on them.

    When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you, ma’am,

    And thank you for the peanuts.”

    Then Grandma says,
    “You’re welcome. Eat all ya’ want…ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off’em.”

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  9. Farting at Tiffany’s

    A lady walks into Tiffany’s .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it…

    As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts…

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near…

    As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her…

    Good looking and as cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany’s…

    He politely greets the lady with, ‘Good day, madam. How may we help you today???

    Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little ‘incident’, she asks, ‘Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?’

    He answers, “Madam .. If you farted just looking at it – you’re going to shit when i tell you the price …”

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  10. The Pastor’s Cat

    Dwight Nelson recently told a true story about the Pastor of his church.
    He had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down.
    The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

    The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the Pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

    That’s what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

    The tree went ‘bong!’ and the kitten instantly sailed through the air – out of sight.

    The Pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they’d seen a little kitten. No; nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, “Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,” and went on about his business.

    A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, “Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?”

    She replied, “You won’t believe this,” and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, “Well, if God gives you a cat, I’ll let you keep it.” She told the pastor, “I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won’t believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.”

    Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

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  11. What does your profession say about you?

    1. MARKETING – You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

    2. SALES – Laziest of all signs, often referred to as “marketing without a degree.” You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture.” You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

    3. TECHNOLOGY – Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don’t understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

    4. ENGINEERING – One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest “ergo dynamic” gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your “carpal tunnel syndrome.”

    5. ACCOUNTING – The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

    6. HUMAN RESOURCES – Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

    7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT – Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other “Middle Managers” as everyone in you social circle is a “Middle Manager.”

    8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT – (See above – Same sign, different title)

    9. CUSTOMER SERVICE – Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service.” Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

    10. CONSULTANT – Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your “skills” are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

    11. RECRUITER, “HEADHUNTER” – As a “person” that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

    12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO – You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

    13. GOVERNMENT WORKER – Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job… Thus the term “GO POSTAL”

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  12. IDIOT SIGHTING:
    My daughter and I went through the McDonald’s take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4..25, so I also handed her a quarter..
    She said, ‘you gave me too much money.’
    I said, ‘Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back.’ She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request.
    I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said ‘We’re sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.’ The clerk then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
    Do not confuse the clerks at MacD’s.

    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    We had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a ‘large’ enough motor on the
    opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, ‘Lady,
    you need a 1/4 horsepower.’ I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, ‘NOOO, it’s not. Four is larger than two..’
    We haven’t used Sears repair since. Happened in Ottawa

    IDIOT SIGHTING :
    I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: ‘Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don’t think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.’
    Story from Collingwood, Ontario .

    IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE:
    My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for ‘minimal lettuce.’ He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
    From Winnipeg , Manitoba .

    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, ‘Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, ‘If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?’ He smiled knowingly and nodded, ‘That’s why we ask.’
    Happened in Toronto , Ontario .

    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She
    asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
    Appalled, she responded, ‘What on earth are blind people doing driving?!’
    She is a government employee in Montreal , P.Q.

    IDIOT SIGHTING:
    When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
    department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the drivers side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. ‘Hey,’ I announced to the technician, ‘its open!’ His reply, ‘I know. I already got that side.’
    This was at the Ford dealership in Guelph , Ontario

    STAY ALERT! They walk among us…

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  13. Subject: THE DIFFERENCE IF YOU MARRY A CANADIAN WOMAN

    The first man married a woman from England.
    He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.
    It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
    House and dishes washed and put away.

    The second man married a woman from Germany.
    He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.
    The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better.
    By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

    The third man married a girl from Canada.
    He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed,
    Laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal.
    He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see
    Anything but, by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he
    Could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that
    He could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
    He still has some difficulty peeing.

    Eugene, a furniture dealer from St. John’s Newfoundland, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.

    After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house.

    Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Eugene couldn’t understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.

    After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner….. after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.

    Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
    To this day, Eugene has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

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  14. How To Tell Democrats from Other Party

    Although to the casual glance the Democrats and the other party may appear to be almost indistinguishable, here are some hints which should result in positive identification.

    Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. The other party form censorship committees and read them as a group.

    Democrats give their worn clothes to those less fortunate; the other party wear theirs.

    Democrats step on the bugs. Other party hire exterminators.

    Democrats keep trying to cut down on smoking, but are not successful. Neither is the other party

    Democrats put the financial pages of the newspaper in the bottom of the bird cage. The other party study the financial pages of the newspaper.

    Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. Other party raise dahlia, dalmatians and eyebrows.

    Democrats eat the fish they catch. Other party hang them on the wall.

    Democrats make up plans and then do something else. Other Party follow the plans their grandfathers made.

    Democrats ought to keep their shades drawn but don’t. Other Party tend to keep theirs drawn although there is seldom any reason why they should.

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  15. Pretty great post. I simply stumbled upon your blog and wanted to mention that I’ve really loved browsing your blog posts. In any case I’ll be subscribing for your rss feed and I am hoping you write once more soon!

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  16. old onion bags

    THESE Jokes real long >>time for a short one
    A sailor steps off this ship horny and eager with a 11 inch dick….wanting to embarrass his younger shipmates he beckons….’Come guys lets go to this whore house and pick a fare”….moving briskly into the booth first with his enormous tool intending to put the youth to shame….he cooly glances over his shoulder and informs the other shipmate ….using the martime lingo knotts = a measure of speed..”Boys it going be nuff knotts”.

    After about 2 hours he come out the booth looking rather proud of his performances and sure of himself ..he ask the damsel…”.Madam tell the fellows how many knotts I was doing..”..Damsel nonchalantly looks at her nails ..and reply with some disdain.. “You were doing 3 Knotts …..Ya was Knott IN ….Knott know wat ya were DOING…..and Knott getting back ya money….

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  17. FS was taking a tour of Barbados by helicopter, suddenly, he felt generous, so be told the pilot to fly lower so that he can drop a hundred dollar bill and make a bajan happy during this recession, Chris Sinckler told him it would be better if he got it change and drop two $50.00 and make two bajans happy. Donville Inniss told him change it into $20..00 and make five bajans happy. Ronald Jones then chipped it “Fs it would be best if you jump out and make the whole of Barbados hHAPPY.”Especially with general elections so close.

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  18. A little levity?

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  19. These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

    ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
    WITNESS: He said , ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
    ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
    WITNESS: My name is Susan!
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
    WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
    WITNESS: No , I just lie there.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
    WITNESS: I forget..
    ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
    WITNESS: We both do.
    ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
    WITNESS: We do..
    ATTORNEY: You do?
    WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
    WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
    ____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
    WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ.
    ___________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
    WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
    WITNESS: Getting laid.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
    WITNESS: Yes.
    ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
    WITNESS: None.
    ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
    WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
    WITNESS: By death..
    ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
    WITNESS: Take a guess.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
    WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
    ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
    WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
    _____________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
    WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
    ______________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
    WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?
    WITNESS: Oral…
    _________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
    WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
    ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
    WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
    ____________________________________________

    ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
    ______________________________________

    And last:

    ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
    WITNESS: No..
    ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
    WITNESS: No.
    ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
    WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
    ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
    WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

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  20. Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
    Usually she slept through the class.
    One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
    ‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’
    When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
    ‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.
    The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class..
    A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Saviour?’
    But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber.
    Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
    ‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.
    And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep.
    The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam
    after she had her twenty-third child?’
    Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
    ‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time,
    I’ll break it in half!’

    The Nun promptly passed out!

    Like

  21. A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth. The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

    The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

    The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn’t talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife’s teeth in by mistake and he couldn’t shut up…

    Like

  22. Two friends decides to go one a fishing trip………………………one says to the other”i tink i “ll bring muh wife along ……………………………not a good idea answers his friend……………………why not? replies the friend……………..easy answer his friend replies “cause last time yuh wife cum-a-long de only ting we caught all day was hell

    Like

  23. DON’T FART IN BED

    If this story doesn’t make you cry for laughing so hard, let me know and I’ll pray for you !

    This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in there marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop it and that it was perfectly natural.
    She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
    Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood
    curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
    After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
    About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said,”Honey, you were right.”
    “All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”
    “What do you mean?” asked his wife. “Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.”

    Like

  24. This ain’t no joke.

    David you should have a Storm Watch blog at the top.

    A TROPICAL STORM WARNING IS IN EFFECT FOR…
    * BARBADOS
    * DOMINICA
    * ST. LUCIA
    * MARTINIQUE
    * GUADELOUPE
    * PUERTO RICO

    http://www.nhc.noaa.gov/

    Like

  25. Thanks Hants, the traditional media is in high gear and we are all monitoring. So far the island has not been fully effected by the system as predicted but as the system passes around 5AM there is the expectation conditions will deteriorate.

    The local TV station is expected to be live from 3AM – cbc.bb

    and there is VOB92.9

    And the weather site.

    Like

  26. F9

    Like

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